I have thought of this interaction often since the first time I read this piece. So I enjoyed returning to it—feeling afresh the resonance in my own experience of walking through the world trying different ways to say, no thanks, I’ve got this, the least triggering ways to say I’m not talking about you, feeling once more the brilliance of your writing and the way it weaves the intimate into the whole, here the way the world is at once small and vast.
Holly, as I said to you yesterday - I feel beyond lucky to be working with you, to have encountered you here, to read your work, and to have your eyes and ears on mine. xo
I've been "not from around here" my entire life, and at this point, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have an accent, and an outsider's perspective wherever I go. I'm always the stranger, and I don't even have to leave home. There are many names for what I am; transplant, expat, emigrant, immigrant, naturalized citizen, ... denaturalized citizen, ... refugee? I lived in a world without borders, and now, suddenly, with borders everywhere.
There are many names, too, for what I'm not, and one of them is a woman. I've faced much, but I'll likely never face the continuous level of threat that you - and my wife, my daughters - must face almost daily. Thank you for reminding us, and of our obligation as allies to do better.
The overlap in our experiences as individual human beings is so much greater than we often seem to be aware - I am always so grateful for the fact that you are, in fact, aware of it, and never fail to make connections where breakages too often occur, John. Appreciate you, as ever.
Wow -- I'm starting a novel in which 'a stranger walks into town' -- trying to gauge the reactions of my characters in a difficult environment -- if I can make it bristle half as much I'll be a happy writer. At the same time I'm writing a workshop for people that has 'gather' as one of its themes -- why we need each other -- but which others in a world of power plays and scene in which:
"They were just keeping us in check. They wanted to remind us where we were, where we stood. They wanted us to remember our place.
And they just kept closing in."
I love the circle of this -- the ache for belonging that you start with and its devastating flip side:
"Humans have this heartbreaking need to force and reinforce a sense of otherness upon one another. Even as the human animal longs for nothing so much belonging,"
The otherness seems to be belongings deep shadow -- how do we belong and not other? Belong and not become tribal and suspicious?
As you know, I'm deeply enamored of the novel you're writing, and I'm so excited to see how the stranger and the town they encounter interact and evolve in relation to one another. And I am so struck by this thought - that otherness seems to be belonging's deep shadow - I'll be musing on that this week. Thank you, Jan.
thank you, Marya -- I'm doing a lot of thinking and dreaming about my stranger and the idea of how otherness and belonging mirror and shadow is slowly emerging :)
I'm kind of new here, so I hadn't read this one yet. Which means the indignance is fresh and raw. I kept seeing you in my mind's eye during that encounter as this rainbow-tornado- swirling, pivoting, containing every single thing in a constant flurry of motion and thought, dynamic and alert as hell- and the men, by contrast, are the color of dog shit, and about as interesting. Spent, smelly, putrid- in a state of total decay. And the fact that we, as women, have to yield to THAT?? It's impossible. Exhausting. Totally unacceptable on every single level, and yet.... and yet. Here we are. God, I wish we were in charge of this whole thing.
I know, I agree, and yes, and yet - I find myself equally saddened by some of the deep and serious nonsense I see women doing at times - the gatekeeping, the policing of other women's bodies and behavior, the exploitation of women's labor and time - but then I meet people like you, and I think, Well, maybe if Kendall were in charge.... xo
Ha! Thanks, Marya. And yes, you are so correct that women and men are both bent down by the patriarchy, each in our own ways. Women so often protect themselves by becoming the very thing that oppresses them, as though there was safety in proximity and policing. This is why it's so good and important to shine a light on it, that we might remember ourselves, that we all might see the naked emperor. Thanks for being such a light.
Thanks for resharing that piece. I missed it the first time, or maybe I hadn't subscribe yet. Such a powerful telling of the situations women can find themselves in through no fault of their own
Thank you, J! Happy you found this one useful. People ask me (and it drives me bananas) how I "find these people." I know it's a figure of speech - "where do you find these people?" - but I am inclined to point out that I find them doing wild and crazy stuff like going to the grocery store and putting gas in my truck. :) Appreciate you being here!
That was brilliantly written and devastating. This crazy fucking world. It’s much softer here, where I live as an outsider, but there’s still this maleness mixed with capitalist values that demote each human to chattel. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks. I’m going to read more of your work. Very excellent. Thanks
Jonathan! How wonderful to hear from you, and thank you so much for your generous words. I can't wait to pop over and check out your work as well. I appreciate this!!
Your writing is raw, magical and lyrical. The subject familiar to so many of us. Fear keeping many of us in our place. Our box. You shouldn’t have to be considered brave in order to be on the road and ‘not from around her.’ But, you are. I wish it didn’t have to be so. I wish you didn’t have to be hyper vigilant. Watching your mirrors. Your back.
Your invitation to come up to Canada for a visit to the west coast still stands! Xo
Time bends that way, too - a minute ago flashes into right now just like that, doesn't it? Would that all the beautiful memories were as quick to jump to mind. Thank you, Tey - and if this damn autocorrect doesn't stop messing up your name one of these days I'm going to scream ;)
You make me laugh! It took years for my iPad and computer to learn my name. Hah! I have a technique I have taught many clients if scary or just terrible memories continue to resurface… send me a note if you’d like me to share it with you. (I don’t want to commandeer your comment section 😜🤭)
Phew, Marya. That was scary (and brilliantly told), and thank God you and the girl both managed to get out of that situation. "It's not illegal to be a dick" is a phrase ringing through my head. As you say, all those times girls are asked to excuse boys for "being boys". And on it goes.
This hits hard, first and second time. It's an important story, with so many layers. Thanks for putting it out again.
Another year on the road and I'm doing the same thing I was this time last year – west to east on I-70. Last year feels like a very long time ago but maybe I'm just tired.
Marya, I wish you and I could have a long conversation. I have to much I want to say to you. What you did here was put into language a universal experience of how social aggression often (always?) reaps no consequences for the aggressor.
I have a background in school counseling, and my oldest daughter, who's approximating 15, experienced social aggression for two solid years in 7th and 8th grade. I fought for her protection and nothing happened to the perpetrators.
Of course I have my own stories, too, of being in a situation where I had to ascertain how to flee or find a safe place.
What upsets me the most is that no human should ever feel, or be, unsafe. No one. And I do my best, both in this digital space and in real life, to be a safe person for others, like you were for the girl who bumped into your truck.
And I believe it's possible for us, one at a time, one by one, to bridge the chasms between groups and labels that divide us into these containers we were never meant to fit into. It begins with sharing our common humanity. You did that here. I could sense, just from listening to you at the NFN panel last month, that stories of our common humanity meant something to you, as they do to me.
Marya, I'm with you. I just wanted you to know that I believe in what you're doing and I'm trying to do it with my voice, too. ♥️
I have thought of this interaction often since the first time I read this piece. So I enjoyed returning to it—feeling afresh the resonance in my own experience of walking through the world trying different ways to say, no thanks, I’ve got this, the least triggering ways to say I’m not talking about you, feeling once more the brilliance of your writing and the way it weaves the intimate into the whole, here the way the world is at once small and vast.
Beautiful.
Holly, as I said to you yesterday - I feel beyond lucky to be working with you, to have encountered you here, to read your work, and to have your eyes and ears on mine. xo
I've been "not from around here" my entire life, and at this point, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have an accent, and an outsider's perspective wherever I go. I'm always the stranger, and I don't even have to leave home. There are many names for what I am; transplant, expat, emigrant, immigrant, naturalized citizen, ... denaturalized citizen, ... refugee? I lived in a world without borders, and now, suddenly, with borders everywhere.
There are many names, too, for what I'm not, and one of them is a woman. I've faced much, but I'll likely never face the continuous level of threat that you - and my wife, my daughters - must face almost daily. Thank you for reminding us, and of our obligation as allies to do better.
The overlap in our experiences as individual human beings is so much greater than we often seem to be aware - I am always so grateful for the fact that you are, in fact, aware of it, and never fail to make connections where breakages too often occur, John. Appreciate you, as ever.
I think this was the first piece of yours I ever read, Marya. And then, of course, I hit 'subscribe.' Glad I did. J
I'M glad you did - and dang I love your latest piece!! (If you're reading this - you MUST check out Janice's stack, "Sparring with Mother Nature!")
Wow -- I'm starting a novel in which 'a stranger walks into town' -- trying to gauge the reactions of my characters in a difficult environment -- if I can make it bristle half as much I'll be a happy writer. At the same time I'm writing a workshop for people that has 'gather' as one of its themes -- why we need each other -- but which others in a world of power plays and scene in which:
"They were just keeping us in check. They wanted to remind us where we were, where we stood. They wanted us to remember our place.
And they just kept closing in."
I love the circle of this -- the ache for belonging that you start with and its devastating flip side:
"Humans have this heartbreaking need to force and reinforce a sense of otherness upon one another. Even as the human animal longs for nothing so much belonging,"
The otherness seems to be belongings deep shadow -- how do we belong and not other? Belong and not become tribal and suspicious?
Such riches in this to dive into.
As you know, I'm deeply enamored of the novel you're writing, and I'm so excited to see how the stranger and the town they encounter interact and evolve in relation to one another. And I am so struck by this thought - that otherness seems to be belonging's deep shadow - I'll be musing on that this week. Thank you, Jan.
thank you, Marya -- I'm doing a lot of thinking and dreaming about my stranger and the idea of how otherness and belonging mirror and shadow is slowly emerging :)
Such a superb post. I loved it the first time.
Thank you so much, Jeanine!! I am so glad you've been along for the ride thus far - onward!!
Love reading your posts.
I'm kind of new here, so I hadn't read this one yet. Which means the indignance is fresh and raw. I kept seeing you in my mind's eye during that encounter as this rainbow-tornado- swirling, pivoting, containing every single thing in a constant flurry of motion and thought, dynamic and alert as hell- and the men, by contrast, are the color of dog shit, and about as interesting. Spent, smelly, putrid- in a state of total decay. And the fact that we, as women, have to yield to THAT?? It's impossible. Exhausting. Totally unacceptable on every single level, and yet.... and yet. Here we are. God, I wish we were in charge of this whole thing.
I know, I agree, and yes, and yet - I find myself equally saddened by some of the deep and serious nonsense I see women doing at times - the gatekeeping, the policing of other women's bodies and behavior, the exploitation of women's labor and time - but then I meet people like you, and I think, Well, maybe if Kendall were in charge.... xo
Ha! Thanks, Marya. And yes, you are so correct that women and men are both bent down by the patriarchy, each in our own ways. Women so often protect themselves by becoming the very thing that oppresses them, as though there was safety in proximity and policing. This is why it's so good and important to shine a light on it, that we might remember ourselves, that we all might see the naked emperor. Thanks for being such a light.
Thanks for resharing that piece. I missed it the first time, or maybe I hadn't subscribe yet. Such a powerful telling of the situations women can find themselves in through no fault of their own
Thank you, J! Happy you found this one useful. People ask me (and it drives me bananas) how I "find these people." I know it's a figure of speech - "where do you find these people?" - but I am inclined to point out that I find them doing wild and crazy stuff like going to the grocery store and putting gas in my truck. :) Appreciate you being here!
That was brilliantly written and devastating. This crazy fucking world. It’s much softer here, where I live as an outsider, but there’s still this maleness mixed with capitalist values that demote each human to chattel. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks. I’m going to read more of your work. Very excellent. Thanks
Jonathan! How wonderful to hear from you, and thank you so much for your generous words. I can't wait to pop over and check out your work as well. I appreciate this!!
Your writing is raw, magical and lyrical. The subject familiar to so many of us. Fear keeping many of us in our place. Our box. You shouldn’t have to be considered brave in order to be on the road and ‘not from around her.’ But, you are. I wish it didn’t have to be so. I wish you didn’t have to be hyper vigilant. Watching your mirrors. Your back.
Your invitation to come up to Canada for a visit to the west coast still stands! Xo
Kim!! Happy to hear from you! How goes the writing? I will be westward for a long spell, and will make my way up the coast before year's end. xoxo
Thank you for running this one by all of us again. I recall it from the first time I read it, and the shivers it sent down my spine that first time.
Your amazing super power to convey all the emotions women go through many times each year is nothing short of brilliant.
The stories we could tell.
Some memories from 60 years ago are in truth just a minute ago. Some never leave us.
Time bends that way, too - a minute ago flashes into right now just like that, doesn't it? Would that all the beautiful memories were as quick to jump to mind. Thank you, Tey - and if this damn autocorrect doesn't stop messing up your name one of these days I'm going to scream ;)
You make me laugh! It took years for my iPad and computer to learn my name. Hah! I have a technique I have taught many clients if scary or just terrible memories continue to resurface… send me a note if you’d like me to share it with you. (I don’t want to commandeer your comment section 😜🤭)
… just because they can! grrrrrrr
Succinct, to the point - grrrrr indeed. ;) Happy to see you, Sara!
Phew, Marya. That was scary (and brilliantly told), and thank God you and the girl both managed to get out of that situation. "It's not illegal to be a dick" is a phrase ringing through my head. As you say, all those times girls are asked to excuse boys for "being boys". And on it goes.
And on it goes, indeed. I continue to believe there's a way to turn this pattern, shift it, somehow - I hope we can. Thank you, Wendy!
"And they just kept closing in."
That "chronic estrangement" I mention up top - I know I'm not the only one who feels it. Thank you for reading!
Have not read it yet but yea...not from around here. Never have been,never will be.
This hits hard, first and second time. It's an important story, with so many layers. Thanks for putting it out again.
Another year on the road and I'm doing the same thing I was this time last year – west to east on I-70. Last year feels like a very long time ago but maybe I'm just tired.
Marya, I wish you and I could have a long conversation. I have to much I want to say to you. What you did here was put into language a universal experience of how social aggression often (always?) reaps no consequences for the aggressor.
I have a background in school counseling, and my oldest daughter, who's approximating 15, experienced social aggression for two solid years in 7th and 8th grade. I fought for her protection and nothing happened to the perpetrators.
Of course I have my own stories, too, of being in a situation where I had to ascertain how to flee or find a safe place.
What upsets me the most is that no human should ever feel, or be, unsafe. No one. And I do my best, both in this digital space and in real life, to be a safe person for others, like you were for the girl who bumped into your truck.
And I believe it's possible for us, one at a time, one by one, to bridge the chasms between groups and labels that divide us into these containers we were never meant to fit into. It begins with sharing our common humanity. You did that here. I could sense, just from listening to you at the NFN panel last month, that stories of our common humanity meant something to you, as they do to me.
Marya, I'm with you. I just wanted you to know that I believe in what you're doing and I'm trying to do it with my voice, too. ♥️